Closure

Something I might not get with you. It’s been months and even though we kind of talk at work, you still have me blocked and all I want to do is get closure.

You not knowing what you want is making me lose out on potential relationships. And that’s not fair for them and me when you can’t let me go. No one comes close to how I feel about you, but I will not be a pawn for you. I will not be on the sidelines waiting for you while I put my life on hold.

I honestly need some type of communication with you. But I’m still blocked and again that’s not fair. Idk what else to say. I think this book is closing soon so another and better book can begin. As of this month if you aren’t rocking with me fully by 2021 , I’ll Forever let you go. On my end. Without you talking to me and figuring out what we should do. If not you’ll be just like 2020 , in the past and a year I want to forget.

7.26.2020

She saw him for the first time since she broke up with him. She had gotten called into work, a morning shift, but she no longer checks the store schedule to see when he works. Giving her some hope to maybe bumping into him, maybe their shifts would overlap, if she didn’t check the schedule. It would be better for her to deal with coming into work and not seeing him there. Today.. today she took that shift not “hoping” to see him, and when she had gotten to work and looked down at the store schedule his name appeared as if his name was the only one on the page.

She honestly felt like her stomach fell through her body, all these emotions but had to be professional being at work.

She noticed when he looked at her as he walked in a few minutes later than usually. She noticed.. but tried to hold herself together. She noticed that she wanted to keep her distance from him, it was the first time seeing him since that day in June. She tried to laugh, and joke around with her coworkers and managers , praying that he won’t be able see how she is wearing her feelings on her face, through her eyes, body language.

She spoke to him, after she clocked out from work, small talk really. Then she left.

She noticed how she felt, and it scared her because she no longer feels bad for you, no longer praying and wishing you would text her, call her. She no longer “hopes” you’ll come back, no longer has the windows open waiting for him to pull up behind her car. She no longer cries at night, in the morning, in the shower. No longer holds the memories you made with her, in the kitchen, couch and bed. She no longer contemplates blocking you and shortly after unblocking you just to see if you would call. But you didn’t and she picked herself back up and is slowly, piece by piece, putting herself back together. In just that small 30 second talk, she noticed she still cares for him, but she will never love him again. That’s what scared her the most, her heart no longer jumped out of her chest, no more fluttering butterflies in her stomach, no more nervousness when he is around.

She is healing

and

she is terrified.

I tried

Most times I don’t want to be here.. physically be here.

I’m either so bad that the people who claim they love me the most are the ones to hurt me with their words.

I’m never good enough for anyone.. I haven’t changed in their eyes. I don’t know why I’m here.

If I cause so much trouble for people why am I here?

My kids don’t deserve a mother who is consistently put down. I’m every name in the book.

No one sees the struggles I go through. No one is there behind the scenes.

I act so tough but behind it all, I’m so small. So sad, no one to listen to me. No one to hear my cries for help.

I’m such a horrible person , I’ve considered the worst sin possible. But I try to stay strong for my kids and it’s hard as hell.

Pretending to smile but deep down wanting to curl up in a ball , hide under the sheets, and cry.

I’m useless and taking up space for someone who deserves to be here. I’m horrible and I just want to sleep. Depression is so loud in my ears that I want it to go away.

I’m tired and I have no intentions to want to do anything because I’m a horrible person.

The Process not the Progress.

It was a promise ring, not an engagement ring. A promise, my promise to you that I wouldn’t hurt you in any way, shape , or form. But I can see it’s to late to TRY to get you back, and I honestly look so stupid, so childish. Begging you to at least be there for me. Show me you care. But you don’t and as much as I don’t want to see it, I do. It’s okay, this is all on me. Not you, you didn’t do anything wrong, all you did was LOVE me and actually showed me you loved me. What happened yesterday , was meant to happen and it’s still happening. It’s almost done, the process is almost done. I caused a ripple , and this was my fault. So I don’t blame you for not comforting me, I wanted someone to blame, anyone.. other than me. I couldn’t be any more sad, heart broken, alone. But once this pain starts to heal you will see what you missed. I will see the pain gone from your eyes. It’s almost done. The process.. I hope it is anyways. This entire month, I have been more alone than I ever been. And it has shown me a lot. But it’s not your fault. You didn’t lose, I did. I have the pain and heartache to prove it. The battle scars to prove my pain was real, this was real, YOU were real. Don’t worry, the process of YOU healing is almost over. Yesterday was a very sad day, today I just processed it and cried. I pulled myself together , by myself. And faked a smile and kept it going. A smile that hide the pain , so well that no one asked if “I was okay”. No one checked on me, no one called me to see how I was doing. Because I deserve this. This pain , my process isn’t over but what I’m going through is ALL ON ME! Now just learning to deal with on my own is the hard part.

But I’m Allowing The Process To Start! To Forget You & To Forget What Happened Yesterday.

This is my closing peace.

I Gave You My All, I Was There For You Always. Whenever You Needed Someone To Talk Too, I Lended My Ear, A Shoulder To Cry On I Was There. When Your Mother Was Tested For COVID-19, I Invited You Into My Home. I Was Always There For You.

You Aren’t There For Me In Any Of The Same Ways.

And It’s Not Fair That I Feel I Have To Remind You. & I Don’t Want You To Feel Like You HAVE To Be Here. I WANT You To WANT To Be Here For Me. But You Won’t. And I’m Tired Of Talking To You, && You’re Not Listening.

So, This Is My Closing Of OUR/My Chapter.

Someone Once Told Me “Give It Your All & If You Feel In Your Heart, You’ve Done All You Can and Your Still Not Happy, Let Go”.

Well Here It Goes, I Was Happy In The Way You Seen Me, The Way You Smelt, The Way You Looked At Me. The Way You Spoke To Me & About Me. I Was Always Happy With You, But Now I Will Be Happy For You.

I No Longer Want To Be Your Lover. The Person You Saw Me As In Our Future, I No Longer Want To Be That Person For You. You Left Me Vulnerable & At My Lowest, I NEEDED You. You Weren’t There.

What Makes Me Think If We Got Back Together That “You Would Be There For Me”? You’ve Already Shown Me Who You Are.

I Am Not Mad : I Am Just Hurt , Confused , && Embarrassed.

Hurt , It Wasn’t Suppose To Happen Like This.

Confused, How & Why Haven’t You Came Back Home.

Embarrassed, I Have Made A Complete Fool Of Myself. Crying And Talking To Our Co Workers About How “I Hope We Get Back Together”. But You Knowing , We Will Never.

Good Bye To The Last Page Of My Chapter. To Bad I Couldn’t Give You A Good Night Kiss, 1 Last Time.

Good Night & Good Bye! ♥️

Waiting

She still carries your polarized picture in her clear case phone.

She still has the same background on her phone of you and her.

In hopes that he will come back.. he will come home.

She prays everyday. She prays that he comes to his senses that he will find his way back to her.

But he doesn’t. He hasn’t.

She no longer cries at night. She just waits.. waits by the phone, leaves the window blinds open, waiting for him to pull up in his car to tell her “I’m Home” but he doesn’t. He hasn’t.

So, she no longer texts him. She’s waiting for him. Always waiting for him.

For Him, he is worth it, worth the wait.

She wants him and no one else. No one else compares to him.

Based On A True Story!

It’s no surprise that men don’t stay in her life, why would any man stay in her life?

Her father didn’t. Is that where it started? Daddy issues?

She was 5 years old. It was the last time she would see her dad.

Her mom and dad would fight so bad , that she would hide under the table screaming and crying for her parents to stop hurting each other. They wouldn’t stop.

Her own parents wouldn’t stop! Was it something she did, or said.? Was it her fault that they fought? Before her they were happy. Now all they do is fight.

But she knew this fight was different, her mom got away. And as soon as she did she called the cops on a pay phone. By then her dad and the little girl were walking in the alley. She had on no shoes , walking in the alley. Glass, rocks, hurt her feet. So her dad picked her up.

Her dad placed her in the front of a cop car, they arrested her mom, even though she didn’t do anything but protect her. They took her because she “smelt like alcohol”. The same alcohol that her dad throw at her mom.

Her mom had just gotten out of prison, now she went back in a matter of days.

The little girl believed she would never be loved by anyone. She is damaged. Seen so much at such a small age.

This little girl grew up to have 2 kids of her own, a little girl and her son.

Now mind you, her daughter up til the age she was 3 years old. Seen her mother get beat, bruises on her face, wrists, knots on her forehead. Much, much more.

Her Mother left and was able to give her daughter a LIFE! A life worth wanting, a life worth making her own.

The cycle had to stop somewhere right?

The cycle did stop. Then happened again when that little girl was 6, she would hear her mom being chocked at 3:30am. What kind of life is this…? This isn’t normal.

It’s no wonder why no one stays.

The difference between that 5 year old and the little 3 year old. Is that I made a promise to give my kids a better life than what I had at the age of 5.

2 Month Anniversary 🤍

Our coworkers, my friends, my mom Always asks if I’ve heard from you, and every time its always “He doesn’t text me back”. “He doesn’t care”. It’s easier for me to believe that you don’t care than for me to believe you just don’t want to talk to me.

I’ve went through our old messages and it’s easier for me to live in our memories than for me to live in this reality.

Today would have been our 2 month anniversary…and I texted you to see what you would say,, if you would say anything. But you didn’t , you haven’t. So, this is it I guess.

This is our end… I am not ready to close this chapter of my book. What other options do I have? NONE! He hasn’t given me anything other to think than “HE DOESN’T WANT ME” it’s honestly hard for me to wrap my head around.

But with no answer from you, on any day of any month. I can’t keep putting my heart through this pain. This constant pain. This torture.

I’m not ready to close this chapter! I know I’ll be forced too.

March 11th

The day you broke my heart,

The day you choose yourself,

March 11th will be a day that I will remember next year on the calendar and every year after.

I’ll remember your scent on my shirt, I’ll remember the way you made me feel, the way I felt safe and untouchable from all. No harm could come to me in your arms, or so I thought. Little did I know that the only harm that would effect me would be by his hand. I was selfish , I wanted you to myself but you wanted someone else. You didn’t want me after they were gone. You wanted me but you had her.

Blocked You!

I decided to block you.

Block you.

Block you from my phone.

My Instagram, Snapchat , Etc.

I blocked you so I wouldn’t expect you too want to text me or get a hold of me. Now if you do I won’t know, I won’t care to text you back so quickly. When it took you days to text me back.

I won’t expect anything from you.

Except to you stay away.

Stay away from me, stay away from the thing I thought you could be. Stay away from ME!

Please, because it will get easier for me to get over you. The more I stayed up at night hoping I got just a single text from you, I never did.

I prayed so hard and for so long , that even though I did, you still wouldn’t come back.

*Come back to me* I whisper.