What’s on my mind?
Everything is what’s on my mind.
I never have time to think about me. Just me. I never have a minute away from my kids, and guests. I can never just have a couple minutes to myself in Peace. No one bothering me or calling me “mom” 50,000+ times. I need some quiet for me to think. My mental state is fine; I’m not depressed or suicidal. I can be honest about my depression. But I can’t call it “Mine” anymore. I haven’t had a depressive episode in almost a year or 2. I haven’t been suicidal for almost 4 years. I stopped drinking it will be 3 years in October of 2025. I stopped smoking (weed) recently. I put limitations on what I can do, and I force myself to follow through. Because at the end of the day, I want to go to bed knowing I did something for someone else. I stopped doing all of that FOR MY KIDS. To prove to them, yes, it’s hard but only YOU can do it. When you do it, you’ll feel a million times better. You’ll know you pushed through the hard to get to the resting grounds. I don’t want my kids growing up telling their story. I don’t want them saying “my mom was an alcoholic” or “she loved the alcohol more than she loved me.” I can’t take them saying anything to hurt me. I gave up everything for ALL of my kids. So, they can have a better life, than I did. I want to give them better. I am breaking generational abuse. My kids won’t ever experience anything of what I was exposed to. All of my kids know that they can tell me anything. I will listen, even if I’m mad inside. But I will listen. When they are done explaining to me about what makes them feel comfortable and uncomfortable. I LISTEN. I didn’t have that growing up. No one to listen to when I needed to talk. To tell. But no one ever came. So, I will be the voice for my kids. And so far, things have been going well. Not perfect but definitely not at its worse. Things will be changing. My kids and I hate change. But we can do it as a family, as a whole. Change starts with one person; I want it to be me. I want my kids to be proud of me. Or at least just proud in their story of life. I want them all just to be happy, because I only love them unconditionally. So. I just pray for their happiness. All my kids deserve all the happiness they can get from genuine people.