Today is a prime example of why I don’t ask questions I really don’t want to know the answers too. Somehow I am always in the wrong. I know in my heart that I am not easy to be with or sometimes even deal with. But sometimes I wish someone would do for me the same way I do for them, but they never do. That is obviously my fault for giving and EXPECTING things in return. Maybe God gave me this heart problem to give those around me a sense of “Love” but not getting it back because I know that I will be okay no matter what happens. For me to give unconditional love, love without judgment, love without rushing anything. I know that my heart problem will more likely get worse before it gets better. I am okay with that. I have come to terms that If I die during childbirth it was all for a greater reason. I shouldn’t be mad or upset about what I didn’t get in return. I should just focus on what IM doing for those around me. Bringing family closer, showing up for someone who needs something more than I need. I would love to know that another ADULT wants me just as much as I want them, but God has something bigger planned for me and I shouldn’t take that out on anyone else because of what I’m having to deal with. Dealing with possibly losing my life, losing my kids in the process of all this. I’m not sure what I am meant to do from here on out but as long as I keep my mind and heart towards God, I shouldn’t second guess or doubt him. So, if I’m here to just show those around me how truly loved and cared for they are then I need to stay focused on just that. And I should apologize to him for taking it out on him when he doesn’t want to give me what I deeply want, at least God has given it to me. When I needed it most, not just because I want it. He knows I need it. God knows I need to feel loved from someone other than my kids. But that’s another reason why I believe God gave me all my kids for my many legacies to continue out in the world for good not evil. I knew something was going to happen to me last year 2023 in December when I was on the phone with my dad. Just didn’t think it would be my heart that would fail me, but I can understand, with all the hurt I caused to others and all the hurt I endured. My heart would eventually give out. Yes, I am scared, but not in a way of death. I’m scared in a way that my kids will be lost without me. When they need me will I still be there for them to call upon? Will my kids live a happy life without me? What did I do for them to (maybe) lose me. Even my unborn baby I’m worried about him as well. Will I even get a chance to meet him and enjoy him the same way as I did with my other kids? Will he love me like my other kids? I’m scared for my kids. My babies are all I have, I’m all they have. None of their fathers are in their lives (other than baby G). What happens to my other 4 babies? I am not doubting God I am just simply asking questions. Just asking questions to keep my mind busy. God has a plan for me I need to remember that. God got me and before finding out about my heart problem (Afib with RVR) at 30 years old is unheard of, I’m taking shots 2x a day and I bruise to easily and I bleed. Imagine your grandma and how frail her skin is and how easy it is for her to just go about her normal routine and she bumps into something that wouldn’t normally hurt you but she bruises or gets a small cut and just bleeds. Thats how I am , Thats how my life is now. having to be careful ALWAYS careful. having to ask for help all the time. But before found this out I have been doing right, getting back into the Word of God. Not necessarily getting back into Church.