She saw him for the first time since she broke up with him. She had gotten called into work, a morning shift, but she no longer checks the store schedule to see when he works. Giving her some hope to maybe bumping into him, maybe their shifts would overlap, if she didn’t check the schedule. It would be better for her to deal with coming into work and not seeing him there. Today.. today she took that shift not “hoping” to see him, and when she had gotten to work and looked down at the store schedule his name appeared as if his name was the only one on the page.

She honestly felt like her stomach fell through her body, all these emotions but had to be professional being at work.

She noticed when he looked at her as he walked in a few minutes later than usually. She noticed.. but tried to hold herself together. She noticed that she wanted to keep her distance from him, it was the first time seeing him since that day in June. She tried to laugh, and joke around with her coworkers and managers , praying that he won’t be able see how she is wearing her feelings on her face, through her eyes, body language.

She spoke to him, after she clocked out from work, small talk really. Then she left.

She noticed how she felt, and it scared her because she no longer feels bad for you, no longer praying and wishing you would text her, call her. She no longer “hopes” you’ll come back, no longer has the windows open waiting for him to pull up behind her car. She no longer cries at night, in the morning, in the shower. No longer holds the memories you made with her, in the kitchen, couch and bed. She no longer contemplates blocking you and shortly after unblocking you just to see if you would call. But you didn’t and she picked herself back up and is slowly, piece by piece, putting herself back together. In just that small 30 second talk, she noticed she still cares for him, but she will never love him again. That’s what scared her the most, her heart no longer jumped out of her chest, no more fluttering butterflies in her stomach, no more nervousness when he is around.

She is healing

and

she is terrified.